The holidays.

Thanksgiving. Christmas. etc.

Family gatherings.

Loved ones constantly asking how school's going. "How's Bonas?!?" I'm asked whenever I'm welcomed with a hug.

How am I supposed to answer? "Oh, well, it was good, but I'm losing everyone and everything I once loved, and my best friend is a stuffed pink unicorn named Ianto!"?

No. So I just shrug and say, "Oh, you know, really good. Everything's going well."

Friends are dropping like flies. I've got two main friends left. Pretty sure it's going to drop to one soon. And then eventually it'll just be me and Ianto.

I'm accepting this loneliness. Getting used to going to lunch alone and then eating some Easy Mac or soup or a Lunchable for dinner. Maybe Katie will pop in and say hello, but that'll change once she has to choose between me and Shaq. Everyone always chooses Shaq.

I'm a burden of a friend. They'll only want me for my liquor soon. And when that runs out, they'll leave me. Especially since I'm not drinking anymore. Not drinking, not going out. It's the same thing every weekend. Drink until kinda tipsy, have a horrible time at the bar, depression sets in, then all I want to do is cuddle and, of course, there's no one there.

I'm done with everything. With trying to have friends, with trying to have good grades. I'm so over everything. All I want to do is sleep. Sleep and cry.

I thought I could beat this disease, but I never can. Whenever I get a good grasp on it, it rears its ugly head and then the cloud comes back. It's what drives me away from my friends. No one wants to be friends with the crazy depressed girl. I'm used to it by now.

Right now, all I wish for is for the rest of my "friends" to just leave me so I can just become accustomed to the inevitable loneliness. Just let me be.

What a great night. Got really drunk. And then not so much.

I found out that I can't do shots as well as I thought I could. Attempting to takes shots to Shots by LMFAO = bad idea. Insert me puking grape jolly rancher vodka all over the bathroom lol.

I went outside to breathe and some guys in a car yelled at me: "HAI YOU IN THE BLACK DRESS: I'D FUCK YOU! OH YEAHHHHHHHHH!" LOL.

I was a flapper :D I love the 1920s. It was perfect. Until I saw 17 other flappers when I went out. LAAAME.

Went to the party at First Street. It was pretty laame. Hung out in the kitchen and stole a beer. Lulz. Went to Fosters. It was pretty lame. But I had fun with my girls. Played the fun game of 'Avoid Scooby at all costs!' because he's a fucking creeper who I really want to punch in the face.

Katie and I froze while waiting for the drunk bus. Ending up walking. Then caught a cab. I had to take a shower to defrost myself. Slept until 3, but I could've slept longer. I love me some sleep.

Hi. I don't update this as much as I should.

Recap of the last month in as short a list as possible.

I have a single room again. My roommate moved out because apparently I'm unlivable with.
Although my two best friends practically only leave my room to sleep in their own beds and say we're all getting a townhouse together next year. I say I want to live in a single in Francis, but I'm liking this townhouse idea more by the day.

I love alcohol and being drunk, except when the depression kicks in and I'm crying all over town. My french teacher is a hot, 27-year-old creeper who ruffles my hair and says hi when i'm drunk at the bar on the weekends while he's grinding on some girl.

I hate my journalism class. My teacher hates me and loves to tell me I should just drop the class. I'm going to be lucky to scrape by with a C.

I feel like everything's changing. And I'm not sure if it's for the good or bad.

My best friend and I got written up with two of our friends on thursday night for "alcohol possesion and the suspicion of the smell of marijuana." what a lulzy night. While I was the resident of the week! IRONY ILU!

Umm. I'm basically addicted to "Down" by Jay Sean ft. Lil Wayne AND Drop It Low by Ester Dean ft. Chris Brown. MOST ADDICTING SONGS EVER. The first is up to around 90 plays and the latter is apparently up to almost 200 plays somehow. I DONT KNOW HOW.

Oh and I bought an itouch. His name is Captain BEEEEL. It's after Bill from True Blood and Captain from Captain Morgan alcohol. He is my favorite electronic EVER.

I've been back at Bonaventure since Sunday evening.

I have not had so much fun in the past 50-or so hours in my life. I have so missed this place and my girls so much it's ridic. It's all about the inside jokes, dinners, lunches, excursions to walmart, and just hanging out.

Everything has gone so amazingly it kinda feels unreal. My life went from boring as fuck in Lockport, to not even being alone for more than an couple hours. Someone is always knocking on my and Santa's door, or texting me to come visit or meet for lunch, or running into someone and hanging out.

These girls here are my best friends. We make fun of each other, know what makes each other laugh, and have fun no matter what we're doing. I never thought I could have such an awesome group of people in my life, who all click together themselves.

Just going to dinner is amazing. Even if we walked halfway across campus to find out we had to go right back, because the Francis Cafe was closed and so we had to eat at the Hickey instead. Santa mentions she thinks someone we know is cute and all hell breaks loose. It's suddenly a rampage for all of us to make jokes and laugh and snicker and call him over to try to jokingly hook them up. Or how a text with the name of some girl we knew last semester will have me in fits of giggles so hard that I had tears rolling down my cheeks and I was close to hyperventilating. Of how I really don't know math, saying 67-7 = 70.

I've laughed so hard that my stomach hurt, tears were streaming freely down my face, and I was red as a cherry. A simple trip to walmart to pick up a few things turns into a three hour excursion, involving cookie dough, condoms, vibrating boxes, screwdrivers, and blowjobs. Anything can be turned perverted. Anything that can be made fun of, will be.

The past couple days of lagged, seeming like they're taking forever to pass. It's because of classes, homework, and other things. But, now, as I think about it, I'm glad these days are taking forever to pass, because if it was possible, I would live like this forever. At the place I love the most, with the people I love the most.

For some reason, when it's late at night, and there's nothing to do online, and I know I should be sleeping, I lie down and feel a rush of thoughts enter my brain.

Thoughts from every which way. But all these thoughts at once just jumble together and point in one big direction: loneliness. I know it's just the chemicals in my brain sloshing around in my brain, mixing around with the high amounts of hormones and producing this overwhelming dread of loneliness. But I can't help but feel it's tug.

And right now all I want is emptiness, to feel nothing at all. I want to put in my headphones and drift away to the music. But every other song that comes up has to deal with love, or wanting love, or having love, or is hip-hop which just makes me want to dance.

I want to write but I have no ambition to.

...And now Matt just IMed me.

With this video:


And it has just completely taken me out of this funk.

This shit is magicallllllll.

This weekend was AWESOME.
Lauren and Katie came up and we had a bunch of fun.

Friday night we spent at my house, then went to Timmy Hoes, the park, and drove around Lockport having an MJ party at 230 in the morning. Amazing.

Saturday, we went and saw Half-Blood Prince in IMAX 3D. The first 12 minutes were in 3D, so it was pretty awesome. I thought the movie was pretty good, except I didn't like the beginning and thought the burning of the Burrow was ridiculously unneeded. Then we went to Antoinette's for ice cream and then to the Galleria for some shopping.

I got a sweet heart and peace sign necklace from American Eagle and then we went into Build-A-Bear Workshop and I ended up getting a Unicorn. It's pretty and cute and has pink shooting stars all over it. It was really cute to have to jump around and start the heart and press the buttons to give him characteristics. I named him Ianto Goldschläger after Ianto from Torchwood and Goldschläger the alcohol, since everything I name recently has alcohol in the name somewhere, lol. Lauren said it would be tacky to buy him clothes, but I was thinking about it, and I might eventually buy him a little suit, so he can look like Ianto, lol.

Today, we all got up and then went to IHOP before Lauren and Katie left. I didn't want them to leave, I had so much fun.

I miss being able to hang out with friends and be stupid and laugh at anything. I miss Bonas. I can't wait until next month so I can have fun again.

This was obviously the best weekend of my summer. <3

Yesterday was pretty amazing.
Emilee came up from Holland [the town, not the country, lol] and visited.

We went to Reid's, the Lockport staple, for dinner. Had a delicious cheeseburger, some fries, and one of their famous chocolate milk shakes. YUM.

Then we went to the Our Lady Peace concert downtown. It was fun. We ended up going to Rite Aid for some drinks, and demolished some vodka in Em's car before going back to the concert area. We watched an opening band before OLP came on. It was insaneeeee. We got pushed around and these 45 year old drunken shitshows were complete douche bags. The one was plastered and was hitting on Em. We were about to punch them in the faces.

We started out around 10th row. We ended up, at the end of the shindig, at third row center. Amazing concert. I'd never really known OLP songs beforehand, but now I LOVE them.

Hilarious quote: "So, I was driving around this town, past this church, and you know how churches usually have really inspirational sayings? Well, this one said 'Google can't answer everything!'..." cue me yelling that it can, "well, to that I say BULLSHIT!" - Raine Maida, lead singer of Our Lady Peace. Pretty brilliant.

I lost most of my voice and my neck hurts like a bitch. But I had A LOT of fun. Would do again. Em and I might go to the CKY concert in August in Buffalo. She's never heard of them, and I love them. Kind of the opposite of the OLP concert, lol.

Today was boring as fuck. I texted Sam on Thursday asking her if she wanted to get together and go to the fireworks, but like the last six texts I've sent her, asking if she's wanted to visit the high school or hang out, she's ignored me. So fuck that shit.

Apparently my old "friends" don't want to hang out with me. Whatever. That's fine. I'll just sit in my room all summer with Melvin, my laptop, and hang out with him. Or I'll hang out with my Fal Gals when they come visit. I cannot wait until the end of this month when Lauren and Em come and we can go see Harry Potter in IMAX, go to Antoinette's for ice cream, and drink Baileys out of a shoe. It's going to be so much fun. Or just hanging out with Katie for a few hours before she goes back to Bonas for basketball camp.

56 days until I go back to Bonas. And I cannot wait. I miss everyone and everything so much. Fuck Lockport.

When I was a youngin' I wasn't that much of a Michael Jackson fan.
Okay, now before you lynch me, just hear me out, okay.

That's because I was more of a Janet Jackson fan. Janet's Design of a Decade: 1986 - 1996 was the third CD I ever owned. It could've been the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd, because I received three cds that Christmas, and it really could have been any of them, but I digress. Janet inspired me, the way many ways her brother influenced his fans, she inspired me to dance, sing, and have so much fun. I remember blasting that album and choreographing dance moves, and at age 6, I was determined I was going to be a professional dance choreographer when I grew up.

However, as much as I loved Janet, I also loved Michael's music, too. From the ages of I want to say two until around eight, Vh1 was my favorite channel to watch on tv. And that's when they actually played music. I would always have it on, singing and dancing to the videos, reading the awesome-tastic facts on Pop-Up Video. That was my shit.

My earliest memories of Michael being in my life are a few, and while I cannot remember exactly what order these went, I remember them clearly. I remember there being a Michael Jackson concert televised, I believe it was on A&E, from the 80's: the heyday of the Moonwalk and Billie Jean and Thriller. Dad was already watching something else, so we taped it on the good ol' VCR, and I watched it later, mesmerized by his dance moves and just his stage presence.

My 2nd memory being the video for 'You Are Not Alone.' Damn. I remember being 5 and that coming on Vh1 and I felt all giggly because there were naked people in the video. You know, with the scene of MJ and Lisa Marie basically naked. To this day, that song is one of my favorites of his whole library. I even thought MJ was 'cute' in that video. Now I watch the vid and cringe, lol. I think it was because I didn't make the connection between Billie Jean-MJ and that MJ, how could he be black and then white? My 5 year old brain was astounded, I didn't think it was the same guy. LOL.

The 3rd, from my childhood, was when the Scream video came out. Janet and Michael in one video: OH FUCK YES. It was like my dancing childhood exploded into awesomeness. I had to be around 7 or 8 at the time I first watched the video on MTV, hell I think it was on TRL. That video was, and still is, pretty epic, with all the futuristic stuff.

Then, a memory from recent years. Just a few months ago when Katie, Shaq, and I were hanging out in Shaq's room, trading music and MJ came up. We listened to Thriller and Billie Jean and a few of his hits. Then Katie attempted to do the 50-degree lean he does in the Smooth Criminal video, and I tried to hold her up by her shirt when she did it, and she fell on Shaq's bed. It was hilarious. We even have it on video from one of our phone's. It's probably on my facebook, somewhere. Or watching The Earth Song video with Andrew and comparing it to the video for The Scientist by Coldplay when we were supposed to be studying for Intellectual Journey.

I think he had an impact on a lot of this generation's childhood. Yet, I only had like three MJ songs on my iTunes last weekend, coming from Katie and Shaq. Now, I have two dozen of his hits.

Billy Mays.
Seriously. Why did he die?
He was seriously fucking awesome.
Did anyone see him on The Coco Christopher Show [Tonight Show w/ Conan O'Brien] last week with Sully? HILARIOUS.
Who is going to scream [~*~project~*~] at me to buy Oxiclean, Orange Glo, Mighty Putty, or that Slider Hamburger maker now?

Ed McMahon was kickass.
Johnny Carson >>>>>>>>> Jay Leno any day of the week.
Plus the comedic chemistry they had together was DYNAMIC.
"HEEEEEEERREEEEE'SSS JOHNNNNNYYY!"
"HEEEYOOOOOOO!!"

Farrah Fawcett.
Such a beautiful woman.
An icon of the 70s, who was on every guy's wall.

This week sucks.
And if things are usually right, with the whole things come in 3s or 7s, there's still a few more to come.

RIP to all.

My goals for this summer:

- Finish up Hrtagram-boy.
It's currently at 31 chapters, the 32nd is written, and I'm posting it in a few days. I have seven chapters after that outlined, thanks to a very boring Japan class a month or so ago. It's going to be 45 chapters, so not much left :D

- Finish the one-shots on my Desktop.
Some of these have been in-progress fics for at least a year and a half, maybe more. I need to give them closure. Finish them!

- Read at least 30 books.
I'm already up to 4. I've got at least 100 books downloaded, so I'd like to finish all of them, but I don't see that happening. Next I think I'm going to read My Booky Wook by Russell Brand which I just bought the other day <3.

- Keep off the weight that I've lost.
If my cute old navy jeans still fit at the end of the summer, I'll be happy. Mom keeps making my fatty favorites, so this could be difficult. I lost a whole jean size last year. Most of my jeans are baggy as fuck. I want to keep it that way. I was finally getting some self confidence.

- Get the FUCK out of fandom.
Okay, so this one, not so sure about. But there's one fandom that I'm kind of ashamed I'm still posting in [I'm sure you can guess] but I need to finish everything first. I'm kind of over fanfic right now. I haven't read any in AGES and I only write if something from life-experience triggers something. My last few one-shots [minus the PWPs] have been based off of real life. The whole Barfly / Butterfly series: real life. The one about texting: based off of a text that this guy I liked sent me. The 'Smile' fic where blue eyes and a bright smile always led me back, even though I shouldn't keep liking him: Real Life. I'm just not involved with the characters anymore. I don't get plot bunnies. This is just another chapter I'm closing.

Let's see how I do.

i had such a great weekend. it was so much fun.

saturday, katie and shaq headed up to the galleria mall for a day of shopping, and then the rest of the fal gals were showing up at 7 for dinner at the cheesecake factory. thee ride there was fun, jamming to tunes and going over 100mph on the thruway while dancing in the car to some awesome hip hop music. got to the mall and browsed and shopped and shopped! spent $170. got two shirts and a cute tote bag from american eagle, a really adorable top from torrid, and a couple of bras from jcpenny's. yayyyy sales!

shopped for a few hours straight, then headed to the cheesecake factory. got chicken quesadilas for dinner, and kahlua cheesecake to go. my cheesecake's still in katie's fridge, but i had some of it last night, and HOMG it is AMAZINGGGGGG! left cheesecake factory for bonas again. it was around 9 when we left, and we wanted to get back to get ready for the lumberjack party that was being thrown at mansion. katie did over 100 again on the thruway, and sped past cars on the main road back down to bonas. she was going only like 50 in what we thought was a 45 in franklinville when she slows down and pulls over, "fuck, got pulled over" and then i see the red and blue flashing lights behind us. she got a ticket, because franklinville is one big speed trap basically. she laughed it off, and sped back to bonas, and we quickly got ready for the party.

the party was a dud. we got there, dressed in our plaid and checkered themed shirts, and it was stupid. a bunch of drunk guys acting stupid. not worth our time. i wasn't sure if i wanted to go to fosters or not, so i told katie we should go back to bonas, get drunk, and then i'd decide if i wanted to go out of not. got back to my room, did 8 shots in a 20 minute span, and then flipped a coin heads or tails. heads i'd go, tails i'd stay in. tails won. but katie didn't have anyone to go out with, so i went with her. i didn't want her going alone. drunkenly walked to the drunk bus, and rode to fosters.

this is where everything gets blurry. i ended up dancing with two guys at fosters. i'm not sure if it was two different guys, or if it was the same guy twice. i have no clue. but katie said they were cute, so yayyy! but then when i was dancing with the second one, i totally like blacked out and fell over onto the floor lol. drunken shitshowww! i had a lot of fun at fosters for like the first time in foreverrrr! probably because i was so drunk and i didn't care what people thought of me, so i just let go and let loose. left fosters right before closing. went to mangia's to get my $2 pizza, and then the bus came. it was too full, so we had to wait for another one. we probably could have made the first one, but i had sat down on the ground, and basically could not get up, so katie and a stop sign had to help me up, lol.

we decided to wait for the other bus, but then we had the smart idea to walk to Burton, which is the bar up the street, so we could get a seat on the bus. i could barely walk straight, so katie and i held hands and walked to the burton and waited for the bus. got seats on the bus and got home. we hung out in my room, and when katie left to go to the bathroom, i laid in bed singing random songs at the top of my lungs, so the whole floor could hear, lol. shaq came into my room and told me to shut the hell up, and then katie was not far behind her. lol. went to sleep and woke up at 9 on sunday.

felt like hell for most of sunday. went to dinner with emilee and then played piano in the arts center while waiting for the concert to start. i made up a song called fuck my life. it's pretty amazing. then we headed over to the skellar for the Ra Ra Riot concert.

OMG. Ra Ra Riot was AMAZINGGGGG! i'd never seen what they looked like before, so i was pleasantly surprised when the lead singer was absolutely adorable. They played all my favorite songs, so i was uber happy. I had a lot of fun.

now, sleep. i've got classes from 10-215 tomorrow, then lunch with the usuals. and then an essay to do!
<3 from bonaventure.

i got a call yesterday at around 1pm from my mom.
i answered, despite my class, which was about to begin.
she told me that she wasn't going to tell me what she had to tell me if i was in class.
i told her to tell me anyway.
she told me that my uncle kent had passed away.
that his medications had caused a lethal combination for his brain, and he committed suicide monday afternoon. how he checked into a crap motel in Clarence and slit his throat.

my 1-215 japanese class was the longest class i've ever had to endure within my whole entire life. my friend lauren is in my class, as soon as she walked in the classroom, she knew something was wrong. i told her about it. she gave me a hug and cheered me up by making me laugh about the smelly weaboo kid that sits in front of us.

mom called me back at 430 and let me know more details. halfway through my japanese class i realized the irony within the whole situation: my uncle kent was a psychiatrist. he should've see the signs, but he didn't. mom told me that grandma's a complete wreck. and that grandma and great aunt joan's first questions to my mom were: "is jordan coming back home for the funeral?" all through japanese i had been thinking about all the ways i'm going to rearrange my schedule to get back home. i don't care about classes right now. all that matters is my family.

mom told me that she wouldn't be able to get me because her car is in the shop. i called dad and explained the situation and asked if he could come pick me up. he, of course, said yes. he's picking me up tomorrow afternoon after my classes. i'm missing friday classes, but i don't care. i'm going to email my teachers and let them know. everyone said it shouldn't be a problem.

it still hasn't hit me yet. it started to when i explained what happened to dad, but it still hasn't fully hit me yet. mom said it will as soon as i get home. i've been smoking like a fiend the past two days. it's been relieving the stress.

rip, uncle kent.
i miss and love you a lot.
<3 x infinity.

obit copied from the buffalo news:
Kent J. Liszewski
LISZEWSKI - Kent J. February 16, 2009, beloved husband of Judith Liszewski; loving father of Joshua, Jenna and Jackson Liszewski; loving son of Joseph and Ruth Liszewski; brother of Michael, Denise, Douglas, Randall, Scott, Joseph, Julie, John and Eric.

my week only got worse.
i thought it was going to get better, but inevitably only became worse.

last night was the most fun i had all week. it all crashed around me anyway. went to a late dinner with katie. there was nothing to eat in the hickey, so i just had a small salad. laughed and joked around with katie, kema, becca, and samara. who showed up and sat two tables over as we made weird jokes and laughed so hard our eyes watered? chris, of course. he's showing up everywhere again. fate's throwing me a curve ball once again.

went to wal mart with katie and kema. i was proud of myself for not buying anything. went back to fal. hung out for a little while. played a round of beer pong in my room. i thought i was going to lose right off the bat, because i was down by 4 cups, but i came back to tie it at 1 each, but then katie pwned me in the end. oh well. drank three keystones and a bud light lime. omg. bud light lime is fucking delish. so smooth. i could drink those all day, every day.

everyone knows by now what alcohol does to me. i get really happy, really fast, and then i crash. the chemicals in the alcohol swish around with my unstable brain chemicals and cause a horrible reaction: causing me to get really depressed in a very quick downswing. it happens every time. the more alcohol i consume, the worse the depression. so you'd think i'd be smart and actually not drink, but i'm retarded and always forget this fact until i'm as high as a kite and then come crashing back down to reality. it sucks.

anyway. katie and i ended up laying in my bed, and i was using her as a pillow because she was using my pillow, eating gummy bears. when the crash started to come. i vaguely remember beginning my mumbling of the usual depressing facts that come out of my mouth when i'm three sheets to the wind. about how i'm going to be alone all my life. how no one is ever going to want me. it's the norm for me. i'm starting to accept the fact that i'm going to be alone my entire life until i die. which, according to some sources, is in only a few short years. i remember vaguely telling her about how i ended up having to smoke a few cigarettes because my week was so horrible. she told me that i needed to stop smoking. i remember babbling on about how that's all they reminded me of was him.

katie left for bed, saying how tired she was, when i knew she wanted me to get to bed before the depression really kicked in. i barely slept. and i had a history exam this morning. i only got a few hours of sleep. horrendous. after classes and lunch i slept from like 130 until like 5.

i'm starting to feel really left out here. i actually want to go home. tonight everyone was so excited about going out and having fun at fosters. im sick of fosters. its the same thing every damn night. drunk people grinding on one another as i stand there by myself, the girl who couldn't get a guy if she paid one. i don't go out anymore. i'm tired of being the girl who gets all dressed up for nothing. the best parts of my nights out were always the two dollar slices of mangia's pizza afterwards. the last three times i went out, i ended up leaving early. i'm not wasting my time or money anymore.

so here i sit, alone in my dorm room, sad music blasting through my speakers. i've cried a few times already. knowing no one cares whether or not i'm stuck in this dorm room by myself. i just want to be happy. i just want to be that smiling, jocular girl i've always been. everything's been fading to grey lately. i want the colors back.

i need a cigarette. which will make me happy for a few fleeting moments until the scent of burning tobacco sends me back to november nights spent staring into the snowy skies in icy parking lots. or how i'll be transported for those few minutes back to warm, summer nights before i said those words which changed everything.

---

on a completely different note, i'm sure everyone has heard about Flight 3407 which crashed into a home near Buffalo, last night. Or maybe you've been living under a rock, i'm not sure. Anyway. First, i did not believe the reports at first. A plane crash near Buffalo, wait what? I was in shock. And then I saw how it crashed into Clarence Center. I was speechless. The friends I was with at the time are not Buffalonians. They are from Cuse, Albany, and Baltimore. They had never heard of Clarence in their lives. I, however, have been saying Clarence since I was four.

Second, Clarence Center has a sign post in the middle of the main crossroads there that reads "Lockport - 12". I almost had a panic attack last night, but thankfully the booze had put me in too much of a stupor. I thought about how if the plane's trajectory were off only a little bit, it could have made those twelve miles, and into my own home. I'm still in shock. As i looked at pictures this morning on the buffalo news website, i could not believe it. i read accounts of eyewitnesses, including those of some of the Buffalo Sabres who live in Spaulding Lake, which is a development of half-million dollar homes adjacent to Clarence Center.

it's still surreal seeing the pictures. hearing the accounts. finding out parents of recent bona grads perished. or how only the buffalonian students on campus are really paying attention. the others were saddened, but it was just another day to them.

rip to the 50 who perished from flight 3407: you will be missed.

this was the worst day ever.

highlights: [lowlights?]

-my ipod crashed and i had to restore it, deleting all my songs.
-my external hard drive is erroring like a motherbitch and is basically ded.
-went to order another hd and it can't be shipped to PO boxes.


so what did i do after stats?
walked to the gas station and bought myself a pack of marlboro lights.
only to find out that my favorite combo of cigarettes and mountain dew only reminds me of him. the way my hoodie smells takes me back to that snowy november night so long ago.
that's all i could think of every time my hoodie sleeve got near my face was him.
the way i can taste the tobacco on my tongue and the way the cig burns reminds me of summer nights spent with him.
not to mention that i saw him like five times today and he ignored me.

i can't talk to anyone about how the cigs make my stress go away. everyone of my friends hate cigs. except him. i just want him to hug me and tell me that everything's going to be okay again. i want him to save me.
but it's not going to happen.
i'm always going to be alone.
*cue boosh's isolation*


i just want to sleep.
so i did three shots of bacardi and smoked another fag.
and now i'm going to bed.
i'm going to feel like shit come morn.
but i don't care.

isn't it ironic that the things that make me feel better only make me think of him?
which only makes me feel worse.
fuck my life.

up at nine-twenty for class at ten.
classes ten till two-fifteen.
lunch.
death.

it's been an interesting week.
my roommate came back to get her shit out of my room and stirred up a bunch of drama, of course. I sent her a facebook message that was like a page and a half in microsoft word [single spaced] detailing how wrong she treated me and that I was not a bitch for telling Liz, my RA, that she still had a key. I was genuinely afraid for my safety. Whatever. I don't care anymore.

i bought an ipod for $50. It's a green, 2nd gen nano, 4 gigs. i named him Julian Philippe Smirnoff the Third. or Ju-Ju for short. I finally named my laptop: Melvin Bacardi. LOL IM AN ALCHIE.

i rearranged my room. it's a much better setup, and i love leaving my door open now when i'm at my desk.

i'm on a Robert Downey Jr. kick. I bought two of is movies in the $5 bin at walmart and was uber excited. Fur and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. I watched Fur and it was a mindfuck of a romance movie, but I still cried at the end. I want to see Sherlock Holmes now. fuck november. i think i'm gonna watch iron man for the fifth time this weekend. i fucking love that movie. Plus this video is the greatest thing i've seen in a while. Oh RDJ, how I love you.



i want it to be the weekend so badly.
my worst day of classes is tomorrow.
it starts off awesome with journalism 102: editing with vecchio.
but then it blows with comp and critical thinking 2.
and then japanese art and culture. which is hilarious because i have a couple weeboos in my class, so lauren and i make fun of them.

i'm supposed to be writing an essay about George Orwell and how all good writing is motivated by pleasure, but i'll do it in the morning.

i can't wait for tomorrow to be over. hopefully i'll be partaking in Thirsty Thursday activities, so that will be fun.

it's bed time.
good night moon, good night stars.

last night was fucking insane.
it started off with me going to the gym with Lauren. we walked around the track for a mile, and then played raquetball [which meant actually just hit the balls off the walls] and then was walking back to fal in just a t-shirt when i ran into Chris, who was shocked that I wasn't cold; since i'm always cold.

went to katie's room. hung out there. went to walmart with katie and stasia. i bought a sled! yayyyy. now, since katie and stasia don't have classes on fridays, they always party thursday night. i should have been writing an essay that's due in like two hours. so, we all went back to finland and hung out. Kate came over and hung out with us, and then patrick came up. it was a lot of fun. and then they busted out the booze. I had two shots of watermelon pucker, a shot of baileys, a shot of citrus smirnoff, and a bottle of smirnoff ice. not even enough to give me a buzz.

katie and stasia, however, were drunk as hell. hilarious to watch them act insanely weird. then we all went to my room, and had a couple shots of uv blue and grand melon. almost got in trouble because they were being so loud.

then were were all going to go to the reilly to play drunken basketball, but all the doors were locked; depressing. so we ended up playing in the snow before hanging out in U Min. Then we went over to Cafe La Verna, and then ended up in Pat's room up on third Dev.

It was a lot of fun. Left Pat's room at 3, switched katie's laundry over into the dryer, then was getting ready for bed when katie came back and was all, "OMGGG Thank you for putting my shit in the dryer!"

finally fell asleep around 4. i woke up with a headache, chills, dizziness, and my stomach kills. OH HAI HANGOVER. I still have to write my paper and everything. Ugh. I think I'm gonna skip History and just go to religious texts because I have my paper due.

then i have to run up to the buzz and sign a DJ contract because after a lot of bullshit, we finally got our show back, but now it's 10-12 saturday nights, instead of saturday afternoons.

up for this weekend: a nice relaxing weekend in with hot cocoa and a good book. Starting with The Liar by Stephen Fry and then Running with Scissors by Aughsten Burroughs.

1. Of all the presidents who are dead, which is your favorite?
i'd probably have FDR, because I think it was pretty cool that he deceived the whole country into thinking he was perfectly fine, when he could barely walk because of the polio.


2. When you get in the shower, what's the first thing you do
brush my teeth.

3. If your name wasn't Jordan, what would it be?
dad originally thought i was going to be a boy, and wanted to name me either Brandon or Tyler. But then settled on Jordan when he found out I was a girl, because of the River.
But anywho, when I was a little girl I always wanted to change my name to Elizabeth because it was so common and feminine. So I'd have to say Elizabteth.

4. What is your favorite comfort food?
Baked Ziti with lots and lots and lots of melted mozzarella cheese. Mom doesn't make it that often, so when she does i always gobble it up. it's one of the best dishes everrrrr.

5. What is your least favorite TV show?
I'm not really that big on TV, since I just watch everything online, but I'd have to say CSI: Miami. I cannot fucking stand David Caruso. He can diaf as far as I'm concerned. Ugh. I don't see why they made 3954394 spin offs anyway, since the original one was so good anyway.

Oh, and on a depressing note, I didn't get the radio show back this semester. We signed up for it and the guys at the station gave us one, but they gave us a time when we were all in class, even though we marked it on the sheet as a time we were unavailable. the guys wanted us to somehow be available because they loved our show, but it was impossible. and every other spot is filled. but if someone drops, we get their show. ughhhhhhh. so the fal gals are dead. D:
we were like the only freshmen to get a call back too. fuckkkk.

all this week i was a kettle of emotions. i was excited for the weekend. i wanted it to come so bad. the first weekend of the new semester. i wanted to drink until i couldn't remember my name.
but i was worried. going out meant seeing him. i was worried about our interactions with each other. i was worried i was going to fall again. i'm tired of falling.

friday, katie, kema, and i spent six hours in the lounge playing guitar hero. i was addicted to the drums. by the end of the night, my ankle killed from using the foot pedal. it was fun. we didn't drink, but oh well.

i spent all day today hanging out with santana. had a lot of fun going to various places before hanging in my room and watching forgetting sarah marshall. then she left at like nine and i started to get ready. katie said we were leaving around 11, but we always pregame for a little while before. she came and got me a little before ten. she got ready before we pregamed. OJ and Mango Captain Morgan. a perfect combination. every moment that passed was another anxious moment.

the two of us caught the first drunk bus. my buzz was just beginning, it was too cold for anything to happpen. fosters was empty. we texted kate to see if she was still coming, which she was. we went in, the place dead. but he wasn't there. a load was off my mind. the place started to fill up, and it was okay. i had some fun. that's all i could think of was whether or not he was going to walk through the door. i kind of wanted him to. i wanted to see what would happen. i'm tired of this silence between us. i don't think i'm completely over him. it's kind of obvious, isn't it?

then the cops showed up and the place got raided. kind of weird and scary. but everything turned out fine. by one, i was done. my buzz was long gone, i was exhausted, and the few remaining chemicals from the alcohol were starting to trigger that depression phase that always happens. not too mention i kind of felt like the third wheel. katie and kate and all into the whole dancing thing, and they're so pretty. i, however, am the disgusting fat girl who couldn't get a guy to save her life.

by one-twenty, i was over it. i left. went to mangias to get my slice of pizza before waiting for the bus. i thought maybe fate would step in again, and i'd see him. but no. apparently now, fate is ready for me to just forget him. to just get fucking over him. he was an idiot anyway.

i want to go out and have fun every weekend. but i'm kind of over it. i'm sick of not having fun. maybe next week i'll just stay in with a good book and some hot cocoa and kahlua. i'm sick of being lonely. i'm sick of being the one the guys are disgusted by. i'm sick of dressing up and trying to be pretty just to find that i'm still disgusting. i'm sick of everything. i'm sick of this overwhelming fear that i'm going to be alone my whole life.

i'm sick of this life.

The first day of classes.
The smell of new (or slightly used) textbooks, fresh ink out of black ballpoint pens, and that fresh notebook full of snow white pages.
Back to treking across campus, compacted snow crunching under feet as traction gives up and suddenly you're gliding across campus. Wet pant legs as the ninety year old security guys have a smoke behind Rob and attempt to give menacing looks, although it never works.
New teachers, maybe a few familiar faces within classmates. New syllabi to find due dates and grading procedures.

Most, today, are lucky to be off in memorial of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, but as I find myself at a Private, Catholic University, we don't get Federal Holidays off (we had classes on Labor Day also, Sister Margaret said that since it's Labor Day, we should do some type of labor). My alarm went off at 8:45, time to get ready: wash my face, brush those teeth away of morning breath, straighten my hair, throw some type of clothing on before putting on some make-up. I tie up my new sneakers and I'm out of the dorm, a new notebook and pen in my bag.

God, do I hate climbing three flights of stairs at twenty after nine in the morning. Not enough time to grab a coffee from Heavenly Grounds, for fear of not being on time. And tardiness is not a good first impression, I've found. History is first. Where we discuss, of course, the syllabus. And who has a graphic novel as a textbook? I do. I'm not used to it being the regular English reading way [left to right] as I'm so accustomed to reading Japanese manga, which reads right to left. It's a graphic novel of the 9/11 report, btw.

Then down a floor to my Religous texts class. Another way to tell I go to a Catholic school; mandatory religion classes. Fun. Lulz. It's all right. The prof has some technology troubles and assigns us the readings - his book, lulz, the Bible, and the Qu'ran. So we're having a quiz on Wednesday on the first chapter of the book he wrote and is about to be published. Whatever.

A two hour break. Freedom. But not really. I'm bound to running around campus, relaxing for only a few minutes. To the post office, even though there's no mail - only geico wanting to sell me car insurance. To the bookstore and then down to the "dungeon" of the Reilly Center to pick up my books. I feel ultra Journalistic now with my brand-spanking new copy of the Associated Press Style book. Fuck, I'm a nerd. Then it's back to the dorms with Kema, as we run into Katie who's always doing some sort of laundry, whether her own or the basketball team's. I put my books in my room before playing some guitar hero with Kema.

Then it's lunch in the Hickey where there isn't a seat in the whole place, but luckily I knew that Jen and Stasia would be there, so they saved me a seat. Back to Hickey food, which no one prefers but it's better than starving or wasting money on Domino's night after night. We run into Friar Dan as we're leaving La Verna. He greets me with a hug, despite never meeting me before, "Good to know you, Jordan" he says. Over to U Min before I depart for Statistics.

Statistics. Ugh. I'm kind of dreading it, despite having always been a closet math nerd. I've always been good with numbers, and was one of the lucky few to have actually gotten a decent grade on the Math B exam. We learn definitions of samples, variables, and qualitative data, as I'm ecstatic and relieved to find out I don't have to shell out a hundred bucks on a graphing calculator: my twelve dollar one I bought in the seventh grade is absolutely perfect.

It's a good start to my spring oh nine semester. I was especially happy to find on the Uni Notice board email a notice about a scholarship: and I have every qualification. Now there's a reason I'm glad I live in Niagara county. This could seal the deal of me coming back for a second year. Hopefully I get it. It's based off of financial need, and O HAI I ISH POOR. Lulz.

And now to watch my CKY: IDR chopped and sliced DVD. It's been a while, but I have the urge to watch that and Haggard before House comes on at 8. i'll probably end up falling asleep, knowing me.

Tomorrow, my three other classes. Jmc 102. Clar 111. Clar 108. It's English Day tomorrow. Writing. Comp and Crit Thinking. Japanese Art/Culture. Well the last isn't really English, but whatevs.

01. Compose a list of YOUR top ten sexiest famous men from #10-#1.
02. Collect one picture of each guy.
03. Post them in your journal.
04. Tag five people to do the same

( top ten; )

Looking back a few months before I attended Bonaventure, my main concern was losing my Lockport friends. in high school, we barely hung out at all, except for during the hours of 7-2, monday through friday. and barely during that, because of different classes and all of that jazz. i always felt like an outsider, like i was almost forcing them to be my friend. i was the weird one who always found new things to like, finnish, british, etc etc. i was the one who broke from the psuedo-goth mold that we all wanted to fill not long before it started. i was the one who knew exactly what they wanted after high school. i didn't hesitate with applying for colleges. i was the one who had nothing to worry about when applying to four different schools, all around the state.

i was the outsider. i am the outsider. always have been, always will be.

then graduation came, and we all parted ways. i was always "friends" with different crowds in my final year of high school. i was bonaventure bound. the first part of my dream fulfilled. i knew some friends from lockport would leave me, that i'd lose contact with a few. but i didn't think it would be like this.

summer came and went. i went to a grand total of two graduation parties. and one was for kk, whom i didn't even go to high school with. but she's always been a great friend, despite living in albany, hundreds of miles away. i barely hung out with anyone. i acquired my first cell phone, my first taste of freedom. i bought all of my school supplies, thanks to a scholarship i got. i packed up the car. i said goodbye to the place i'd called home since i was 9. we left for bonaventure. i didn't shed a tear. this was my new beginning. i could be who i wanted to be.

i re-invented myself. people there wouldn't have to know i was the weird, finnish/british girl in high school. that i was the one who was always writing, always writing something. i didn't have to be called a witch, a goth, a loser. this was my chance to start anew. i knew i found my new home my first night there when i made awesome friends. i knew i had come out of my shell, that this was the me i'd been waiting years to see, when i began hitting on a guy i'd only known for three and a half minutes. i finally found myself.

i made friends whom i love with all my heart. and they all love me for me. i've had experiences that i know i wouldn't have had if i didn't come here. i've changed my life motto: carpe fucking diem! and it's made me have some of the best saturday nights i've had in my life.

but i still stayed true to my roots and talked to my old friends. i talked to sam on a daily basis. kk has been my rock. she has known everything i've done the past few months and has helped me through the short rough times i've had at bonas. i attempted to talk to matt, but everyone had trouble connecting with him once he settled at wells. i talked to britt a few times, telling about my new friends and how i've broken out of my shell. i talked to trav a whole bunch. the lockport girls couldn't wait to hang out once again. couldn't wait until a break when we could all get together.

so here i am. on my longest break until the calendar says may. i've barely hung out with anyone. i went with sam to the high school for a couple hours, but that's it. i went to the mall with kk and trav and matt. and another time to the mall with trav. but that's it. i tried to text a few people, but no reply.

i concede. i'm stopping. that's it. i'm done. je suis fini.
one more week and i'm gone. back to my favorite place in the world, with my favorite people in the world. i can't wait to get back to third fal and hug my girls and play guitar hero and eat dominos. to stay up wayyyy too late on a school night and take random trips to walmart. to have crab rangoon on a saturday night before pregaming and going out. to skip down those half-lit hallways after ten and almost bust my ass on linoleum floors. to spend hours in the hickey, complaining about the food and having ice cream for lunch and dinner, although most of the time it's easy mac for dinner, yum! to discover how drunk the girls on our floor are going to get and make fools of themselves. and to go to basketball games and cheer until my voice is completely gone from screaming Let's Go Bonas!!!!

i knew that with college some friends would drift away, but i wasn't expecting all of them to go away.
au revoir. adios. good bye lockport friends.
minä rakastan sinua.